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ChildDrenched: Thoughts of the Birth Mother

Adoptive parents may wonder about their child's birth mother years after the adoption, as well as the nature vs. nurture question.

It has been ten glorious years since our darling daughter entered our lives through the blessing of adoption. We were fortunate to have been chosen by an amazing birth mother who gave us an incredible gift, for which we can never show enough gratitude. I am still astonished by her trust in  people she barely knew, and who lived across the country, to be parents for her child. I will be forever grateful for her thoughtful decision and sensible selflessness, as well as our extraordinary luck. As we approach Thanksgiving and the other holidays of the season, I often wonder how our daughter’s birth mother is doing, ten years later.

It was the birth mother’s choice if she wanted to stay in contact with us and the daughter she gave up. We offered to send her pictures and updates as our daughter grew into the young lady she is now, through the adoption facilitator who helped us find each other. Since she requested a picture of our daughter one year after her birth, there has been no further contact between us. At the time of the adoption, she was unmarried with two children under the age of three and knew she couldn’t handle more children at her young age, especially given her plans for her future.  She had hoped to continue her education and start a career. According to our facilitator, she married the boyfriend we met and she had another daughter, she kept, a year after our daughter was born. I hope she accomplished all that she planned for herself and her family.

I often wonder what my daughter’s life would have been like had she not joined our family.  The age old question of nature vs. nurture is especially thought-provoking when it comes to adoption. How much influence did we, as her parents, have on who she is, what she loves to do, and what she hopes for in the future? Her birth parents clearly gave her good athletic genes as she loves all sports and seems to excel at almost everything she tries. As with our own biological children, I hope that we have done all we can to nurture her natural talents and support her artistic and academic abilities.  I take my responsibilities as her mother especially seriously, since I was entrusted to care for her emotionally, physically and spiritually. And, I look upon that responsibility as an honor.

I ask how different she would have been if she grew up somewhere else. My guess is that life on the west coast is extremely different than it would have been in her native state of Missouri. Like a naturally-born Pacific Northwest native, she tires of the rain and complains when it gets too hot in the summer. She loves outdoor activities like hiking, skiing and swimming in lakes. Clearly, her love of the mountains is born from living in Washington State and visiting the surrounding states we travel to for skiing.

I also wonder if my daughter’s personality has been affected by who she lives with.  Certainly her big brothers have influenced her capacity for tough recess games with the boys like tag, dodge ball, and soccer.  Their over-protectiveness of her will certainly influence the number of dates she accepts as she grows into the teenage years! As a preteen, her confidence around other teenagers is entertaining for everyone involved. I take some credit for nurturing her musical aptitude on the piano via private lessons and her participation in a local girls’ choir. My husband has given her the love of baseball through her attendance at countless major league games in her young life.  But where does she get her fascination and love of everything in nature?  She watches Animal Planet, PBS, and the History Channel at every opportunity and is amazed by every scientific topic, all forms of life, and even gross anatomy. There’s no one in our family that shares those interests with her. We merely marvel at her attentiveness, yearning for learning, and constant curiosity.

Some adoptions are “open” providing opportunities for the birth parents and the adoptive parents to stay in contact as the adopted child grows.  They can develop a relationship and compare notes that may help everyone understand the child’s interests or abilities as she grows up. I have mixed views on open adoptions. My daughter is fully aware that she is adopted but has not yet <read more>

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Edie McGee October 23, 2012 at 12:00 PM
I wonder, too. I don't think you can help but wonder what the birthparents are like. From my Chinese friends, I have an idea of what my daughter's life would have been like had she remained in an orphanage. Nothing more than a middle school education for this little girl to whom math comes so easily. My girl is also an artist, violinist and dancer. Had she been a biological child, I could have envisioned the first two -- an aunt that majored in art and one that majored in music ed and whose main instrument is the violin. The dancing talent, however, doesn't run in our blood. As someone who was thrown out of ballet at age 7 for being a klutz, I find such joy in watching my little one leap and turn on stage.
Patty Lazarus October 23, 2012 at 01:47 PM
Thank you for your thoughtful comment!
Trudy Pastine October 24, 2012 at 04:24 AM
My heart. My life, my baby girl. Adopted 26 years ago. You wrote so elequently about your daughter. about where do your daughter 's differences come from? My only regret is that i never considered her biological parents role in her life. Frankly I so loved my little one with a depth that can only be understood by another adoptive parent . You are so happy to be to be a mother that it is easy to forget they are not made up of your genes nor that of your partner. So after 26 years of loving my daughter I regret that I did not understand the profound effect nature plays in our adoptive children's lives. I am now raising my granddaughter and am thankful for the lessons learned along the way. Relish the uniqueness of your child and not try to make them like your other kid. Thanks for your blog, I will continue to follow you.

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