BLOG: Faith Responds to Fear
Building Life: Faith Responds to Fear
Nancy Lincoln Reynolds,Associate Pastor, Woods Presbyterian Church, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
There is an underlying anxiety in our community that, on the surface, is about teen suicide. The anxiety grows from fear that there will be another loss or many others. Fear that I, as a young person, might succumb to depression/an eating disorder/self-injury; or that one of my friends will and that I will not be able to stop it.
As a parent, I fear that I may ignore a sign and lose my child; or, worse, that I will cause harm. As a teacher, or coach or mentor, knowing that stress can trigger all sorts of mental illness, the fear is that I might become "the last straw." None of us wants to miss our cues or make mistakes. Performance anxiety is on all fronts.
"Why can't we talk about having meaningful lives instead of successful lives?" asks one concerned teenager. Adults want to adamantly counter, "These are not mutually exclusive!" Yet many would argue that we measure success not so much by whether or not our youth are happy, well-adjusted and following their inherent individual giftedness but by performance. Some teens say they believe that the quality of their uniqueness is not as valued as the quantity of their AP classes, GPA's, team placement and wins. Have we unintentionally taught our children that having a life they enjoy and are fulfilled by is secondary to achieving success in the school, or on the field or stage?
We have taught our kids how to keep going no matter what…in spite of what they are feeling. Contradictory emotions are part of what it means to be a teenager, but we don't seem to have fostered an environment for them that teaches them how to manage those feelings. "I can't believe my best friend would say that about me/my parents are divorcing/I didn't make the team…but now I have to go to class/practice or study," is not an uncommon scenario. Perhaps there is something about the performance mindset of our community that has resulted in our having dysregulated kids lacking coping skills.
The majority of youth who are suicidal have some form of named emotional turmoil (depression, addiction, anxiety and their various manifestations like eating disorders and self-harm)and are in treatment. But many more are describing conversations with undiagnosed friends about feelings and behaviors that professionals would say warrant clinical intervention. These youth look "good" on the outside while suffering on the inside. They are able to exhibit an apparent competence, and adults are wanting so badly for that to be real that we buy into it.
Additionally, the "signs" we have been encouraged to look for are not necessarily there in a nevertheless at risk kid. Currently, 67% of teen suicides are unplanned. Impulsivity in teenagers is a well-known hallmark, along with the sense of invincibility. Combine that with suicide as an increasingly optional escape from life and it is, quite literally, deadly.
It is no wonder that parents are scared. We can be certain of some things and, thanks to the QPR training from the AACS, programs like STAR and better cooperation among community leadership, there have been numerous interventions that have facilitated help for identified troubled youth. These have saved lives over the last two years.
But fear remains because we don't know what we don't know. What is it about our community culture that allows teens to say they are too stressed and pressured to live? What are we (all of us: parents, schools, faith-based and mental health entities) doing or not doing that some of our children are performing but not thriving? What is the underlying anxiety in our community; and, more importantly, how should we respond?
The Scripture text was clear and directive at an ecumenical service held last Friday night at Woods Presbyterian Church. The faith response to a recent teen suicide in Severna Park was simple: you are not alone, and you are each unique and precious. Youth, parents, teachers, counselors, pastors and administrators gathered together to cry and to grieve; to share words and to pray.
We hold God's love in common. The youth were told in the words of the prophet, Isaiah, that God would set them, like the unique precious gems that they are, in "antimony" (settings that would secure them in place and give them foundations). Regardless of particular religious beliefs…we hold God's love in common. And, now, we also hold fear in common.
Faith is the appropriate response to that fear. Knowing that, leaders of the faith-based organization, Severna Park Area Ministry Group, met this week to organize and plan seminars for parents to be held once a month over the next year. SPAMG will partner with clinical and mental health practitioners and our schools to determine topics that are of ultimate concern to parents such as: helping teens with grief after suicide; bullying; the adolescent brain; perfectionism; teaching coping skills.
These will be held in large educational forums at the Severna Park Community Center. Outside presenters whose expertise will provide us with insight will also allow time for questions and discussion. Religious institutions will offer individual gatherings during the month to focus their particular faith perspectives on the topic.
Regardless of one's faith orientation, we all believe in the futures of our youth. That belief binds us to one another. We are not alone in this. And, at the risk of sounding like a pastor in a public venue, "Thanks be to God for that."
Thanks
12:34 am on Saturday, May 19, 2012
Are we going to teach our children to cope better with the pressures? to juggle better?
I told my kids: sometimes, you have to stand up to Mom & Dad and coach, "lay off." (well, tell us, and act upon, that RESPECTFULLY.) And, if you really want to get away, if you feel we just won't listen, could you RUN away? Gather up your money, call a grandparent or aunt, and take a bus to them?
Thank you, local faith community, for mobilizing. What a struggle our ministries must have when trying to work with an affluent (I mean, not poor) flock that wishes to ensure our comfortable legacy passes to our kids--- we forget the Good News truly supports what that teenager said, that MEANINGFUL living is more important than SUCCESSFUL.
I request that everyone makes a morning prayer every day that today be another day without suicide...let the last victim be the last one.
And let none of our good-intentioned activism be perceived as glamorizing or validating suicide as a viable or forced means to deliver a message or get away.
And, while we mobilize to self-assess, rally, and improve as a community, let none of us imply we know what would have saved Tracy, for whose peaceful rest we surely wish.
Nancy Lincoln Reynolds
7:16 am on Saturday, May 19, 2012
Thank you for thoughtful words here. Perhaps we, as the adults, need to think about what meaningful/successful lives look like since we often follow the same trajectory for ourselves. We need to take suicide as an option for dealing with life's difficulties off the table, but need to be able to offer some alternatives that will not appear as "failures" to anyone.
Mom3SP
10:28 am on Saturday, May 19, 2012
Blessings to your efforts! Allow me to take kindly exception to "'failures' to ANYone". There are many in religious history whose pursuits could be considered by some as failures. Also, two family stories:
One young man grew up in a suburban pressure cooker with a strong academic record. He disappointed his dad when he delayed graduation from college for working up the ladder at IHOP. Close to 30, he finally got his degree with honors in the sciences, got into grad school, raising his dad's hopes for SUCCESS- which means, I think, being married&having a job that pays well& sounds good--and then he chucked it all, right before school started, to get a job in a National Park. I guess you could say he ran away-- but he has kept in touch with his family, comes home every year, and looks trim and peaceful and-- so happy.
Another relative, a middle-aged guy, truly ran away after college graduation: packed up his stuff and wordlessly moved to a city hours away. Later, we know news of him via the internet-- he is a wealthy entrepreneur with an Ivy MBA, married with children.
So, there you go: two people who reacted to what they perceived of their families' expectations. Some might say one or the other failed in some way-- but I think either would say they are okay!
Nancy Lincoln Reynolds
10:29 am on Saturday, May 19, 2012
Very helpful examples. And, you are right, we cannot control what others' consider "failures", especially when that is mixed with disappointment. However, like you, I think these two people pursued meaningful lives on their own terms. At the same time, I'm sorry that either had to feel like they let down family members or had to "run away" to become happy. Thanks for the examples.
Nancy Lincoln Reynolds
5:31 pm on Friday, May 25, 2012
There have been many emails sent to me and I appreciate that. I know that this is an extremely important matter...the business of what we are teaching our kids about achievement and living full lives...and that that is often quite personal. Especially when it involves reaching out for help. I will get back to you as quickly as possible.
Meanwhile, please know that the SPAMG will be offering the first of the parenting forums one night during the first full week of June. That information will be available just after Memorial Day. We are all in this together.
Amy Leahy
10:50 am on Monday, May 28, 2012
I sure hope someone is including the schools in this conversation …I hear so much about our schools being the best in Maryland and the country but the pressure being put on our students by the school administration to take A.P. classes has gotten out of hand. Just ask any teacher….
Thanks
7:26 pm on Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Old enough to remember the "melting pot" taught in social studies? The idea is all different cultures get thrown onto the USA stove &everyone gets stirred into assimilated oneness.
That concept comes to mind whenever I see any of us lament how we've overscheduled our kids into the molds we hammered out: the college-bound, future professional.
The above stories remind me of a concept I heard in management school: the cultural mosaic. Instead of crayons in a pot heated into a mass, people of different styles &approaches can live in independent yet enhancing diversity like in a wall tile mural.
Did you shudder when you read above re the guy who "ran away" to become a NatI Park worker after an IHOP career?
I heard a former classmate became a locksmith, &I thought: we need all kinds to make the world go round. But, locksmith or IHOP worker doesn't fit our mold...
We think IVY is the guaranteed path to the good life. So we heat up our pot with serious sports, clubs& spectacular opportunities, throw in our kids, &hope they will assimilate into our hammered molds, which drive up our property values.
But the lesson at http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%206:19-34&version=NIV says if our kids do what God meant for them, choosing from a mosaic of options for the future, they will find their needs met.
Can we really relax&let our kids drive their own schedules&dreams& stumbles, or is their true inner essence &our past parenting not due our faith?
Amy Leahy
1:03 pm on Sunday, June 3, 2012
To Thanks: I agree with you 100% about letting our kids choose their own path. I do believe we should guide them to the best of our ability but when parents are putting their kids in pre-schools where there's a competitive selection process, there's something dangerous about that (in my opinion). Now realize I'm just using that as a blanket statement to say we're not all supposed to be brain surgeons and therefore shouldn't be pigeon-holed into that box.
I am old enough to remember the melting pot. I'm also old enough to remember when there wasn't this huge pressure put on kids to excel in everything and then get into the best college. In fact, a lot of people from my generation have managed to have pretty decent lives - happy lives - without the pigskin. That 'success' doesn't identify you. It is your character that does.
Amy Leahy
8:29 am on Thursday, June 7, 2012
http://www.twloha.com/move/storytellers
Here's a possible resource for a student and the schools to use!